Your Average Witch Podcast
A podcast by and about your average witch, talking about witch life, witch stories, and sometimes a little witchcraft.
Your Average Witch Podcast
My Favorite Stories From YAWP
What do you wish I asked this guest? What was your "quotable moment" from this episode?
Have you ever mistaken someone for a celebrity in the most awkward of settings? You'll relate to Lera's hilarious mishap at Walmart, where she thought a woman's sister was Danny DeVito! Join us as we laugh through the aftermath and her roommate's priceless reaction. Then, get ready for an eerie twist with Macy from the Witch Bitch Amateur Hour as she recounts a cleansing ritual that takes a turn with an unexpected visit from Baba Yaga. These stories blend humor and the supernatural, providing a glimpse into the wild and quirky life of modern witches.
Feeling the need for protection? We delve into the emotional and powerful journey of waking up with a call to perform a protection ritual involving elemental offerings and invoking the presence of Baba Yaga. Hear about the transformative energy of binding a toxic individual and the unique process of cleansing a valley-surrounded home. And just when you think it couldn't get any more adventurous, we recount a chaotic escapade of getting lost in a poorly designed school and a dramatic wolf rescue in the woods, highlighting the themes of bravery and unexpected paths.
Join us on a nostalgic ride with Andrea of Appalachia as she shares heartwarming and humorous childhood memories in her father's magical blue van from the 90s. From chaotic pigeon incidents to makeshift seat mishaps, these stories showcase the ingenuity and resilience of her family. Wrapping up, laugh along with Charlye's first spell using a potato and Robyn's childhood misconception about eating Babybel cheese. Embrace the quirkiness with our proposed #babybellchallenge on Instagram—who can resist trying all the flavors? Tune in for an episode filled with laughter, magical experiences, and the enchanting quirks of witch life!
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Welcome back to your Average Witch, where every Tuesday we talk about witch life, witch stories and sometimes a little witchcraft. Your Average Witch is brought to you by Crepuscular Conjuration. If you're looking for a fun community that has a bunch of witches in it who want to be your friend, come to facebookcom slash groups slash hivehouse. Come to facebookcom slash groups slash hivehouse. This week's going to be a little different. I'm in the last mad dash of Anahata's prep, getting myself and all the vending stuff ready to go. I've got to make that journey to Pennsylvania in about four days and I decided to go back and share some of my favorite stories from the past four years. I think you'll remember these voices. We'll range from potatoes to Danny DeVito, to the SATs. Now let's get to the stories. First up, Lyra tells us a story about mistaken identity. Please tell me a story that you'd love to tell.
Speaker 2:Okay. Okay, so a few years ago, just after I graduated college, I was renting a house with a couple of friends that I went to college with and one of my roommates slash friends and I were at Walmart probably preparing for a night out or maybe like staying in and drinking. Either way, we were buying wine, like a lot of wine, and we were at the self checkout at Walmart, um, and I didn't have my glasses on. That's a very important element to the story, and so you know, when you uh, buy alcohol at Walmart, the associates come and card you.
Speaker 2:So this girl walks up to check my ID and I don't have my glasses on, and she's got a T-shirt under her blue Walmart vest which is zipped up. So I don't see the person on the shirt very clearly, but for some reason I think it's Danny DeVito, and so, me being me, I ask her is that Danny DeVito on your shirt? I was thinking, oh cool, it's always Sunny in Philadelphia shirt, or something, or something, and she looks at me and says, no, that's my sister. And all I can say is oh, my roommate has watched all this happen. She has been carded, rang up, her shit paid, has a bag in her hand and she didn't stay for the fallout of this conversation. She was already halfway out the door because she heard every word and she wanted no part of the consequence of my mistake.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Bravo.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh Jesus, so that's a thing.
Speaker 1:I applaud you and your bad vision having being very close to being blind myself, I relate so hard, I felt so bad.
Speaker 2:I felt so bad because she wasn't dead.
Speaker 1:I hope her sister wasn't dead and it wasn't a memoriam shirt.
Speaker 2:I think about that all the damn time. I think about it all the fucking time. I hope so too. I hope, wherever this person is, she was very nonchalant about all of this. There was no visceral reaction. It was a very matter-of-fact response on her end. No, that's my sister, maybe. Maybe it really does look like Danny DeVito. Maybe I'm not Okay. Maybe she's heard it before. Maybe this is not the first time she's been asked if that was danny devito on her shirt.
Speaker 4:Oh my god I can't.
Speaker 2:I know there's a movie that somebody yells danny devito, is that you? Is that me, me?
Speaker 4:probably.
Speaker 1:Oh my god, yeah, the kid yeah it sounds like he would yell yes, it sounds like a Damien line was it Danny DeVito?
Speaker 2:it was someone. I feel like he yells oh my god, danny DeVito, I love your work. I feel, if that's, if that's the right movie and the right character and the right actor, that I'm thinking of. I had my mundane version that embarrassed the absolute shit out of me.
Speaker 1:Next, Macy of the Witch Bitch. Amateur Hour describes a visit from the Baba Yaga.
Speaker 7:So someone that I deeply, deeply cared about had been wronged by just a fucking schmuck man, you know, just a, just a fucking, you know, douchebag, and I had. I was already mad about that and I was already like, oh, just fucking over it. But I woke up that day and I was like I need to cleanse this house. That was really where it started, but the problem was is that I started this with a chip on my shoulder, okay, but I did, and it was honestly the most incredible cleansing I've ever experienced, because it lasted for hours and I got up and it was just kind of like. Sometimes I do wake up, though, with like this solemn call of let's get to work and we're doing magic. This morning.
Speaker 1:You know it's usually in the morning. I love those days.
Speaker 7:Yeah, and it's like, it's like a oh okay. And so I got up and I just started readying everything and I didn't look anything up, I was just grabbing shit and I was like I'm going to start doing a protection. I did earth, I did elemental offerings on North, like East, southwest, like all the corners of the whole property and like had offerings specific to each element in each one and like called elements elementals and when I was like preparing them, it was serious fucking business and it was intense before it even started.
Speaker 7:Like even like you know, I don't know if you do deity work, like I don't do deity work, but like elemental work, I guess kind of you know the same, the same big time, big, powerful energy you know, when you feel it blanket a room and you're like, oh okay, you showed up, like it was that you know, and I set up the corners and like, as I set them up, I was walking and like smoking with like juniper and sprinkling cascaria and I like walked it several times and then worked inward and for the very first time though I not the very first time, but like intentionally called on a deity that I do connect with. Do connect with it was I, I had the candle and everything and I set it up and I was like I for the inside of the house, uh, I called and like sat and just kind of, if she wanted to come, I set out an offering for the baba yaga. Oh, and is she something? I very much connect with her and you know, being in my own kind of hermity swampy cottage in the woods and I just I relate to her sense of how she handles shit. You know she's right down the middle and she'll help you if you want to help yourself, but if you don't, whatever you know and I don't know, just in that time I just knew like that was what needed to happen and so I set her up space on.
Speaker 7:I do a lot of my work in the dining room table and she had offerings that she could come and I pretty much just you know, kind of said like there's, there's a space for you here, you can come and sit and you don't have to do anything at all. You know, I'm just inviting you here to. You know, break bread with me, essentially, and I'm going to be doing this. If you feel the need to yield, you know, break bread with me, essentially, and I'm going to be doing this. If you feel the need to yield any assistance, you may do so. It was kind of like that. You know I'm not being like hey come here.
Speaker 7:I need you to help me, bobby, you got you know. It was like I'm not even going to go that way. Help me carry this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because she showed up and it was like I remember being like almost like you gotta like grip a wall, you know. And so I put the, the I had, honestly, it was a the baba yaga candle from prairie fire herbal, which those candles are so fucking intense. Everything, every candle, that, every spell, anything I've done, ritual that I've done using one of those candles, is just to the, to to 11, and I used the baba yaga and I put it in the very center, the heart of the house, and I started cleansing all the way out, like in an outward spiral. All the way out.
Speaker 7:And then this is when and part of me wonders and and if the Baba Yaga, her energy showed up and is what made me. She was like my hype man. She's what made things go this way, because she thinks that this is what needed to happen. She read my innermost desire and was like you know what? This dude is an absolute, just worm of a person. Let's do something about it.
Speaker 7:I don't like to put the words in her mouth, but it felt like that. It was like I was cleansing the house but at the same time, this just scrappy energy, like after she showed up, was like but you know, you want to teach that fucker a lesson. It was just so weird and I went with it. Oh, I went with it. I went with it hard and I wound up like you know what, yes, and so, while I'm essentially outwardly binding this person with words, I don't remember, but I just remember speaking and not stopping an unbroken speech for like an hour of just just a bind and a lot of it was just repeating the same thing over and over again and I wound up getting the piece of paper. I wrote the name, I wrapped it so tight a million times in twine and then sealed that in wax the whole time, Just being like say it and not like I wish you harm, Nothing like that.
Speaker 1:But like a, but that's not what binding.
Speaker 7:what binding is yeah it was just like a you, I've had enough of you. It was what it was. It was a big, long thing of enough I am, I've had enough. And so then and I was just going by pure instinct at this point so I bound this thing up, and then I just I grabbed. I grabbed the little bundled up wax name and I just set out of my house and I started walking.
Speaker 7:So the way that my house is laid out is that it's set down in a valley and there's a very steep upward driveway and then, and so it's like you're in a bowl and it sometimes feels like even at the top of the driveway, standing on the road, the sky curves over you like a wave. You're kind of down in a hole, but across the road is just this scorching pasture land with cows in it. And so I just call him, I get this name, and the whole time I'm still saying my shit, and every now and again I feel like the Baba Yaga wanted to chime in, because I wouldn't say things through her, but I would just say things that I feel like her name would come up. It was weird, dude, it was so weird, but I was just channeling this bind and it was probably the most intense I've ever felt and I just walked up the driveway barefooted, just doing my thing, get to the road and I just flick that fucking thing into the pasture and I don't know where it went. I didn't even look, I was like already turning around when I just flicked it just like an absolute and a fuck off and just walked down the driveway feeling great, feeling good, and uh, got back in the house and I left the candle and her altar going all day long and I feel like she stayed around, all she stayed around a long time Like, and I didn't ever really truly ask anything of her, but I do sometimes feel that the Baba Yaga showed up to my house and helped me fuck shit up one day and encouraged it and I've cherished that memory.
Speaker 7:She's a rebel Dude. This dude's life has just blown up and not for, not without his own doing. And you know, and he's a really. You know she's a rabble Dude. This dude's life has just blown up and not without his own doing. And you know, and he's a really. You know she's a real. Help yourself if you want to help yourself. But if we're going to keep digging a hole, I'm going to let you keep digging that hole and might help you keep digging it.
Speaker 1:That's like what's happening, dude, and so it's like I don't know that's, it's just an interesting thing and I don't want to say that I fully regret it because I don't, but at the same time, again, I consider it an oversight.
Speaker 3:Now we'll hear from Pam of Raven and Rogue as she tells us about a wild attempt at taking the SATs. Most of my stories revolve around my notorious clumsiness and it's pretty, it's like legendary legendary the clumsiness that that I have. So I, when I was going to I was in high school and I was going to take I think it was either the ACT or the SAT test, and I was going with one of my good friends, andy, um, and like we had to go to a different school. It was actually our rival high school. This was like after catholic school, um, I went to lafayette senior high in st louis. Awesome, everybody in st louis always does this like where'd you go to high school question. I don't know why, I think it's like some sort of classist bullshit, but anyway, you gotta do that question anyway. But so it was a rival high school. We were pissed off about that anyway. And then because we did like sports and stuff like that, and so I didn't know the layout of the school because I had only seen, like the gym or like you know, the football field and stuff like that, so we were like walking through like you know the innards of, you know Marquette, and so they gave us all these instructions, like they started splitting people up according to the first initial or their last name, and so my friend Andy and I, his started with a, u, so of course, andy, see you later, never again. And I, my last name, my maiden name, starts with a, b. So I was at the front of the thing and I didn't realize Andy still had a piece of paper that I needed, that had like all of my check-in information or whatever. This is like pre-internet basically, or like at the time of the internet, the birth of the internet. So we didn't have all of these cool things that you guys have now.
Speaker 3:So so I I panicked and I'm like I'm not going to be able to take the test. They're not going to let me do this because I'm an idiot and Andy has my sheet. And then I go back, I'm backtracking with my poor directional skills, backtracked the wrong way, trying to figure out where I was supposed to go and trying to find Andy. I go through these double doors and I didn't realize that they go outside, oh no. And they close and walk behind me oh no. So then I'm like, well, shit.
Speaker 3:So I go to walk around the school the way that this evil, horrible school is built. It's like on a cliff, so it's like they have like this like rock quarry kind of bullshit that's like right up against the school. I think it's for like irrigation or some dumb whatever stuff like that, but it's not good for students that get lost. So there's like a cliff that has a bunch of rocks and like death and blah, blah, blah that way, and then this tiny little path of grass between the death cliff and the school and so I'm like I bet I can shimmy myself through that, you know.
Speaker 3:So I start kind of walking and shimmying and stuff like that. Well, when I first started doing it before I hit this turn, it was just brick wall, it fine. Then I turn and I go to the other part that I had to cross and it's all glass windows, but they're not the kind of windows that open, they were just like solid paying glass. It was bullshit. So I'm walking through and I'm just slowly walking across and I see all these people and I see Andy. I walk eyes with him and he's like what the fuck are you doing? And I'm just slowly across and everybody's staring at me.
Speaker 3:No one's really saying anything nobody like the adults aren't even acting, like she needs help.
Speaker 3:What's happening? And this went on for a while. It took me, I want to say, five minutes to get across this thing. So it was like two or three classrooms that are like what the fuck is this kid doing? Why is she wearing such big pants? Then the kicker I finally reached this part that has, again my Voldemort a chain link fence.
Speaker 3:So I'm bottom heavy, I don't do vertical things Like I don't jump, I don't leap, I'm not athletic. I did track for a little while. That was hilarious and that lasted all of like a day, and that lasted all of like a day. So this chain link fence, my Voldemort. I'm like, okay, I got to get over this because there's no gate Right, because again, this school was built by a bunch of assholes. So I go to try to jump over the gate or jump over the fence and my fucking belt loop again is stuck on the goddamn chain link fence and I'm hanging there like a big idiot and I'm just picking and stuff and trying to get myself loose. There are no adults, there's no people outside. I guarantee they're watching me from the classrooms, though, because it was still within ice. So can you imagine, like I heard later on, that everybody was just like he's, like what is wrong with you? Like everybody thought you were just insane. We didn't know if it was a bit, because I've always been like.
Speaker 4:The beginning was just like.
Speaker 3:He's like what is wrong with you like everybody thought you were just insane. We didn't know if it was a bit, because I've always been like a big ending. I'll make my guess. And I was like, were you doing a bit? And I was like no, oh my god. So I finally I my belt loop thankfully ripped, which I cut all of my belt loops for the longest time because of the shit. I have belt loop anxiety, so I fall very unawares and then I just run probably bow-legged-y weird to my car and I sped off. So I've never taken the ACT or the SAT. So really, this is a long-winded way to say you don't need that to get into college. All you got to do is get stuck on a fence and get the pity of your peers to get into college. It's fine, I can't deal with that. So yeah, so yeah. I've got a bunch of stories like that. I'm an unfortunate person.
Speaker 1:I'm a very strange, awkward person, macy's, back again, this time with a close encounter with a wolf.
Speaker 7:I have this thing and it's very not good for me instinct that when animals are in trouble, I'll just run into danger. And then I always realize where I've put myself in the thick of it and I'm like this was a bad idea. And the same thing happened to where I didn't even. I wasn't even obligated to it wasn't my job, I was a marketer I ran out into the woods to try to find it and so, like, fast forward to, I'm standing alone in the woods and, as a small person, as a small person, that this wolf outwe the woods and I, as a small person, as a small person that this wolf outweighed, and I just had this moment of like oh no, I've done better here.
Speaker 7:But at the same time, though, I was really, really connected to this animal and I set out a call and I've done this a couple times and I can't do it all the time, but I did it when Jorah was missing and I knew he wasn't there.
Speaker 7:I pushed out this big call, this energy, and I knew he was around.
Speaker 7:I knew that I needed to be there and, lo and behold, not not long later he comes out and I was able to. He stayed like 50 yards away, and then I was so fucking scared the whole time he but he like I, was able to walk and he followed me about 50 yards away but stayed even until I got all the way back to his uh enclosure and was able to like get him back in. So it's like I knew I was supposed to go out there, but that whole time I just my rational brain, was screaming like leave this to the keepers, leave this to the keepers, just go inside. You have an office, you have a lock on the door, like please go. And I just I didn't. And so that was just a really like spiritual experience that happened right at around like the first witchy bazaar, like that was kind of when everything was happening, uh, for at you know the awakening, if you will, yeah, I was going to say yeah, yeah and it was very intense.
Speaker 1:I remember going to the wolf rescue and divide in colorado and it was like for Ken's birthday, and going up there you're thinking, oh, we're going to go in with some wolves because we bought the bonus package. And oh, you see the pictures. They're like big dogs. And then when you get there they're freaking enormous. It's humbling, it's. I was like you could die here, absolutely. But I wouldn't let myself think about it, because I'm not trying to give out the death vibes when I'm with the wolf shoving his tongue down my throat, because apparently that's how they say. Hey, I couldn't breathe, but I didn't want to offend him by pushing it off.
Speaker 7:Exactly. Yeah, no, they are. They're incredible to look at and they don't look out of their eyes the same way that dogs do, like they do, but they don't. There's just something so much older looking out of that face to me and like he would look at, and he wasn't an old wolf, I think he was only like six years old, but looking at him it was like looking through the sands of time. It's hard to explain. He had these big blue eyes, you know, and it was just intense. It was. They're amazing creatures. The wolves, I think, were the maybe, I don't want to say the most unsettling, but they were just the most.
Speaker 1:Andrea of Appalachia is up next to tell us about a pigeon with really good aim.
Speaker 6:Now, would you please tell me a story that you love to tell? Now, would you please tell me a story that you love to tell? Okay, so back to validation. I could not think of a story that I tell all the time, namely because, as I mentioned earlier, I don't like to repeat myself. It's really arrogant, I know, but it just. I don't repeat myself a lot. So I was struggling, I was struggling and last night I said all right, universe, just freaking, tell me a story that I should tell on this podcast tomorrow. I'm running out of time.
Speaker 6:And this gal, who I have not talked to in years, messages me on Facebook and says here's a photo that reminded me of you. In this picture that I remember of you as a kid and I was like this is so random. She doesn't like any of my posts, she's a friend of my father's or she's the daughter of my father's best friend, but I really don't associate with her. We have nothing in common. And here she is with this message Okay, universe, I hear you loud and clear. So the story I kind of want to tell is the magical tales of my father's blue van from the 90s.
Speaker 5:That's already amazing.
Speaker 6:It's one of these vans, you know, like a work van. It has the big rolling door and there's nothing in the back. And looking back, there are just so many adventures. Um, but this one story this gal had referenced. We were coming back from the outer banks and, uh, there's no chairs in the back.
Speaker 6:And at this time I had one other sibling bunch of luggage and my dad thought all right, well, I'll just put folding lawn chairs in the back and the kids can sit on those for the six hour drive. Wow, so we're in traffic and this big 1970s station wagon slammed into the back of us and so my chair flew back. And because people carry cameras all the time, way back when my mother turned around and took snaps of it. So I have all these great pictures of my brother laughing. I'm on my back, my legs are in the air. So it was just like one example of this magical blue van experience and it evolved over time. Eventually he put in this big piece of plywood and attached some luxury chairs that like laid back. So when we took our long trips to Florida we could lay in there, and he put in a VHS and TV combination in there.
Speaker 1:Y'all were a little fancy.
Speaker 6:Oh yeah, I mean, he was really. We had no money. We were dirt poor. My parents traded for everything, but we had no idea that we were broke growing up and it was really a magical experience. But another magical experience in the van was that we took a boat that my father had traded and gotten at some point to a local prominent river and on the way back they had the windows down and this, like pigeon, flies in the window as we're passing under a bridge, smacks into my mother's face, flops in the back, it's on my foot and I'm going. It's on my foot, it's on my foot and my brother is crying next to me because he doesn't know what to do.
Speaker 6:It flies up onto my father's shoulder. He's driving and he just he just looks like a pirate, right, and he's trying to unroll his window because they're not with a button you have to manually roll down the window. With this bird on his shoulder flies out the window. We're all sighing. My mom's like oh my gosh, my face, I need an ice pack from the cooler. And we're all like taking this deep breath. And this car pulls up as we're driving and he's like you know, your bird just flew out the window right and we're like it's not a pet, it's not a pet.
Speaker 6:So just lots of really magical experiences, from birds to car crashes where it's like we were safe. This thing was a tank. You know, I have great moments of Bon Jovi playing in there, cranking me up and amping me up for softball games. It's just like the magic blue van. I miss that thing and that is my story today that's my new favorite.
Speaker 1:That's my new favorite. Now charlie's here to tell us about a very special potato. Please tell me a story about your first successful spell that made you think holy shit, I am actually doing a thing okay it's, it's a little sensitive, I think.
Speaker 5:Um, not sensitive, and I and I'm not gonna say that, I'm not going to say that I went like gray this is nowhere near Macy's, like Baba Yaga story but like there was an influence that was causing negativity in my personal life and some of the personal lives of people that I am close to and I love very much, and it was coming from a person and I got very defensive. I think it was the first time that I didn't just walk my house and, you know, flick whatever concoction I had made up and I was protecting on a very spiritual level. This was the first time I was dealing with like a, like a, like a human being, and and I just opened up my books and I was like, what do I do in this situation? So I did serious, big time like warding for the first time, and I walked my property with like I don't even remember what I used, I know like cayenne pepper was a part of it, you know, and and and I kind of very plainly spoke, I don't want this person coming here, you know, and I worked big time with like visualization and okay, I not really fully knowing what was up, I, uh, I made a dinner that night, being at that time pretty like just fully, fully wanted to be a, a kitchen witch, like that was my label, you know. And um, I had done quite a bit of research on like I don't know if it's like root vegetable, I guess, like cart, like a poppet, almost out of a potato, you know. And then, yeah, you know, it's like make the likeness of you know, and then if you do certain things and you cook it and then you consume the food like it's the protectioness of you know, and then if you do certain things and you cook it and then you consume the food like it's the protection from that person, you know the whole spiel, right, and I did it.
Speaker 5:And I remember something happened. Something happened and that person did not come over when they had planned to, and that made me go, oh shit. But it also made me wake up in the middle of the night, cold sweats, going. What did I do? Am I going? Is this devil? What am I doing? I really freaked out about it. I was like, am I toying with things I shouldn't be toying with? Like I carved someone's likeness into a potato and ate it. Am I going to hell, you know, and it really freaked me out. So, on one hand, it made me go, me go oh yeah, this is a thing but on the other hand, it made me go. I need to be careful, you know.
Speaker 1:So, um, it's a story that still makes me next cheese connoisseur, robin of coffee and cauldrons invites us to join her in a special way to eat cheese and if you listen to my podcast, you maybe have already heard it, because I'm pretty sure I brought it up on there once.
Speaker 4:I have to have because so many people have roasted me about this story that I have to have Either that or I did it on Twitch, I don't know. I told this story before, but I'm going to tell it again. Everybody's familiar with Babybel cheeses right, we're all familiar with them little, little red baby bell cheeses. Well, like most children in the 90s, um, I was so afraid of not getting enough milk in my body. Listen, if you grew up in the 90s, you know what I'm talking about. It does your body good. Yeah, it was. It was the milk mustache commercials. They were constantly telling you that you were calcium deficient. You needed milk.
Speaker 1:You're going to fall down and your hips are just going to explode. You're literally going listen.
Speaker 4:If you do not drink a whole milk glass every single day, your hips will explode into dust by the time you're 30. That was the propaganda we were fed in the 90s. Now, granny, it wasn't those exact words, but you know, if you were alive in the 90s at a you know a cognitive level, you know what I'm talking about. Every bitch was like. Every celebrity was on a god milk ad oh my gosh. And they'd be like happy cows. Come from california anyway.
Speaker 4:Maybe that's just a california ad, I don't know um, I vaguely remember it, yeah, east coast, so I remember that everyone was just so afraid of not getting enough calcium in their body because the big milk was working. Their propaganda, um, it worked. We bought so much milk anyway. One of the milk products that my mom kept in the fridge at all times was those baby bell cheeses, and she'd put like five of them in our lunches every day. Oh my God, okay, yeah, she's listen. We were very afraid of milk not getting enough, as well as I'm now incredibly lactose intolerant, yeah, anyway. So when I was like five or six, we we.
Speaker 4:So I grew up in Sonoma County, which is just north of San Francisco, like when I was little, I was in the Sonoma County area and there's a lot of cheese, like dairy places where they make cheese, and my parents were really big on like dairy places where they make cheese and my parents were really big on taking us places where things were made and one of them was a dairy where cheese was made and I learned about like cheese being put in like rinds, like, like, uh, like brie, and you know you can eat the, the rind of the cheese right of brie. So my dumb ass legitimately thought that the wax on the outside of baby bells you were supposed to eat. And this went on until I was like 14. I was eating cheese wax until I was like 14 and I had a sleepover with my friend. Shout out to christina, hope you're doing well, babe. Um, had a sleepover and I was eating my cheese wax and she was like girlfriend, what are you doing? And I was like, uh, eating a delicious baby, though why? Why, do you ask. She's like no, I can see. Why are you eating the wax? And I was like it's the cheese rind? And she's like you're dumb as fuck. She's like that is not cheese, that is wax. She's like there's a piece of paper. Did you eat the paper too? Girl, I ate the whole thing. I ate the whole damn thing. I ate the whole damn thing. I ate the whole fucking thing, to the point that, like, I've told this story before and people roast me for it so badly I'm not even kidding you.
Speaker 4:So Babybel recently came out with a vegan Babybel, I'm vegan, so it's dairy-free, comes in a little green wax flavor, and I posted something on twitter like my therapist will be hearing about this or something with like, and my fucking friend commented on it and goes. So you're telling me that you're. She goes. You're telling me that you're, she goes. You're telling me you want to know what green tastes like. Now We'll kill myself. So yeah, that is actually.
Speaker 4:My 13th reason is the fact that I was one of George Bush's children left behind, and I did eat the Babybel wax for a solid decade and a half solid decade and a half. So you know, listen, guys, influencers are just like you. There's, yeah. So I am gonna eat the green wax. I do want to know what it tastes like, what the flavor is. I'm not above trying a little bit of wax. I've done it before for years. So you know, I wonder what green tastes like. I did I ate the paper as well, the whole shebang. I was literally about to drive a car that's how old I was when I found out that you did not eat the wax. First of all, I have a lot of questions. Where was my mom? Why did she? Why did my mom just let me eat wax? She was just like, eh, she's dumb as shit, let her do it.
Speaker 1:But I also have this vision of you like secretly nibbling little round cheese in a corner where nobody could see you, and that's why nobody said anything.
Speaker 4:Listen, here's the deal. I think this is something a lot of people can relate to. I'm about to be really hashtag relatable on Maine. I was raised by boomers. They did not pay attention to me at all. My ass was probably sat right next to them eating cheese and my mom was just like don't look at her.
Speaker 1:What are you doing? Getting your calcium Great?
Speaker 4:My mom was just like I don't know what she's doing. That's fucking crazy. But my stories are on the TV, yeah. So, oh my God, but my stories are on the tv, yeah. So, oh my god, oh yeah, jesus h I love talking about the baby bell story because, holy shit, uh, when I tell you, when I tell you it, it probably would have been an early indicator that I was going to be a George Bush child left behind, which I was Shout out to 2005. Love to see it. Yeah, I fully failed that test. I did not know the difference between a noun and a verb. I was a George Bush child left behind. I love saying that at all chances I can get, because I am an author. I'm a published author now and I did not know what a noun or a verb was. I was like, couldn't tell you. I've never seen that man in my life. I don't know who verb?
Speaker 4:is. I'm like I don't know who verb is, but he sounds like a dick.
Speaker 4:All right, get my shit together so what I am saying is if I suddenly get an uptick of baby bell memes being thrown my way, just know that I will assault you. I'm just kidding, I won't. I told you this with the confidence that I know I'm gonna get memes thrown at me and that's fine. I eat wax. Who can blame you? You know, I will say the wax was very soft and had no flavor to it. So maybe you guys should try it. Why don't we do like a little test?
Speaker 1:A little test Everyone go try some Babybel cheese. It seems like it would be very satisfying to chew.
Speaker 4:Try it and let me know what you think. Instagram challenge Eat the baby bell wax.
Speaker 1:There may be a video of me eventually, of me biting into it.
Speaker 4:Please and tag me. We'll make it a trend Hashtag baby bell challenge.
Speaker 5:Oh no.
Speaker 4:Get the vegan one too. You can try both flavors. Let me know how it is. I like five flavors. I'll get all the damn flavors.
Speaker 1:No, no, no, Get the vegan one too. You can try both flavors. Let me know how it is. They have like five flavors.
Speaker 4:I'll get all the damn flavors. No, no, no, I meant the wax color, not the cheese.
Speaker 1:Oh, I thought they were all different colors.
Speaker 7:Isn't there a yellow one.
Speaker 1:I don't know. I haven't bought it in a long time. I normally go to Costco where they're coming.
Speaker 4:Oh, I have a Sunny second. Funny, just a little. There are different colors, you're right, I just googled it. There's black, red, maroon, blue and yellow, and now green Fucking fancy. Well, I have only tried the red flavor, so I'm gonna have to try all the flavors. Now the buffet. My husband is gonna be like what in the fuck is wrong with you? There was a purple flavor as well. What, yeah, I don't know what the flavor of the actual cheese is.
Speaker 1:I oh, it's cheddar well, there you have it like a gouda. That's the one I want.
Speaker 4:They've got hold on, hold on it's bonbel light gouda. Gouda's brown cheddar original they've got. Oh, the cheddar used to be in yellow or purple and now it's the other way around, so cheddar has switch colors. Wild times we're living in. This isn't while? This is worst gripe product I've ever had.
Speaker 1:Finally, Macy wraps us up with a wild story about a dog fight. Don't worry, everybody's okay at the end.
Speaker 7:I have a story about how I almost had my arm broken trying to break up a dog fight.
Speaker 6:Did I tell?
Speaker 7:that on the episode? Or did I ever say that on a live? Do you know what I'm talking about? It's a stupid story.
Speaker 7:Okay, this is maybe my favorite story to tell. I don't even have to think it's the one. So when I was in college, I lived in a rent house in a semi-sketch neighborhood I wouldn't say fully sketch, but semi-sketch neighborhood and it was one of those neighborhoods to where it was a circle and so we were on the inside of the circle, which meant that our backyard shared a fence with the neighbors on the other side of the circle. Does that make sense? Yeah, and being a neighborhood of rent houses, it was a college town. There's just tons of turnover all of the time, so you never know who's going to like be your neighbor one month and like your backyard you know shit like that.
Speaker 7:And so at the time I had Gizzy, my little red corgi, and Jorah. I had had Jorah for about a year now and he was with me and we had a big backyard, kind of, and we lived in this house. Well, so we had these new neighbors show up and they, in their backyard, put an actual and I'm not like happy about it, like it's sad, but an actual fighter pit and I mean scarred up everything. Like you could tell this was a fighting dog and it was sharing a back fence with us and I knew immediately that this was going to be a problem because, like I let the dogs out and he was out and he was like trying to get through the fence and he started digging like under to get under the fence, to get to my dogs, and I was like Jesus, fucking Christ. And so I like went and got some landscaping timbers and like tried to and I like talked to the people and I was like, look, this is going to be a problem, like you've got to figure out what to do about this. And of course they didn't.
Speaker 7:And so I do want to say the story does not end bad, but it sounds like it's gonna. But then it turns into absolute stupidity. So my roommate had a little Yorkie named Zeus thatus, uh, that also lived with us, and so all three dogs were out in the backyard one day and I was just kind of like in my room and my room looked out into the backyard and I start hearing like dogs going at it and I look out the window and this dog has dug its head under the fence and has the little Yorkie by the chest, not that, but like got by his like chest muscles, you know and he won't let go and he's like got his head and Gizzy and Jorah are like biting this dog's head, you know, trying to get him to let go Good for them.
Speaker 7:Well, so I at the time was like dating this guy.
Speaker 7:I dated him for like two months, you know it's college and he was, he was over that day and he and so I see this start happening and I just yell some sort of expletive noise to get everybody's attention that something was wrong.
Speaker 7:And so who was in the house at the time was me, the ex-boyfriend and the co-owner of the dog, the boyfriend, not the girlfriend, whose actual dog it was, but like he had the dog through extension, you know, step parent, sure, yes, and thankfully the dog's mother was not at home.
Speaker 7:And so we don't really know what to do. But we all just start heading to the backyard outside, we just run to this dog, and so, luckily, ex-boyfriend well, semi-luckily and unluckily, ex-boyfriend has the good foresight to grab a broom on the way out, just an aluminum broom broom. And so we get out there and we really don't know what to do about this situation, because the dog is in like kill mode and won't let go and for some reason, the boy that not the, the step parent, we'll call him the step parent, okay, he lifts, he lifts up the bottom of the fence. I don't, I just I think it was panic, and so that allows the dog to pull the little dog onto its side of the fence and this is what I was talking about earlier, like in danger moments.
Speaker 7:I just scaled the chain link fence and I went and I grabbed the dog's neck, the big one. I grabbed its neck and tried to just like, choke, hold it something. You know, it was bigger than I was, but it was just like I wasn't even thinking. And then, and that was the same thing, in that moment, with my arm around its neck, I was like, well, this was fucking stupid, you know. And so then, as you know, cause it was a stupid idea, boyfriend jumps the fence and I, as you know, because it was a stupid idea, boyfriend jumps the fence and I like to think, you know, because I, just I, just because of what happened afterwards, I paint this in my mind, even though I don't think this happened at all. But I like to think he like scaled the fence and he, like he landed in like an action hero pose and you know, and he, he rears back with all of his he's got this broom right, you know.
Speaker 7:he rears back with all of his might and goes to hit this dog just to shock it to, but he misses and he breaks the whole broom over my forearm, like snaps it over my forearm, doesn't, hit the dog and I just make some sort of like noise and fall over, like just from the shock waves of what just happened. So it's pure fucking pandemonium at this point and I'm just sitting there on the ground like with my arm, and he's trying to smack this dog and somehow he lets go of zeus, and so I grabbed zeus with one fucking arm, but then the problem is I can't climb the fence because I he like killed me dead in my arm. I couldn't climb the fence and so I'm stuck with this dog and I handed the dog to the step parent, and so then this boyfriend just comes and it's like it was just the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and so he goes to push me over the fence, but he launches me over the fence and I land again on said arm and I'm so fucking pissed, so angry at this point, and so I mean, the dust settles finally and, zeus, we take him to the vet, you know, and he's incredibly okay, it's amazing. And so it's like the dog just happened to bite him right in the chest, you know where dogs have loose chest skin. That's all it was. And so it's like all he did was kind of like cause he bit him in that loose part. It just kind of jiggled around it like tore some muscles, but he was there, wasn't even like any blood, hardly.
Speaker 7:But so we're at the vet's office and I am, and I am. I don't I don't think I'm white from shock, but I am white from adrenaline and the worst goddamn pain in my left arm ever and I am seething about it. And so I'm just sitting there and I've got my arm and I just had to look like hell on wheels because the vet looks at me and is like, do you want some ice or can we get you anything? We're the vet's office and so the vet gives me an ice pack and I'm just sitting there fuming and I later find out that it was pretty much. I got a bone bruise from that shit and it's one of my favorite stories because it's just stupid. It's just everything about it is stupid the actions. It was all a bad idea but luckily Zeus the Yorkie survived.
Speaker 1:Thanks for listening to this episode of your Average Witch. You can find us all around the internet on Instagram, at your Average Witch Podcast, facebookcom, slash groups, slash Hivehouse, at wwwyouraveragewitchcom and at your favorite podcast service. If you'd like to recommend someone for the podcast, like to be on it yourself, or if you'd like to advertise on the podcast, send an email to youraveragewitchpodcast at gmailcom. Thanks for listening and I'll see you next Tuesday.